Blah Blah Blah

As it stands right now (which I've learned can change at any moment), tomorrow (Thurs) I officially become a "cancer patient". I haven't felt like one yet, even though I've had appointments with oncologists and had surgery to remove said cancer. But tomorrow is my first radiation treatment and I feel like that changes everything. Part of me is so resistant to radiation and drug treatment, and I think it's because I feel like this forces me to admit that I am a cancer patient. I don't look like one, and I don't feel like one, and I really hope I never do (as selfish as that may sound), but I am.

I really have struggled with the decisions to move forward with treatment. It's not an easy decision, because treatment doesn't guarantee anything. I could do no treatment and be fine forever, or I could do anything and everything, and have recurrance. So I go back and forth between wanting to just leave it all to chance, and wanting to do everything I can. I feel like I'm wrong for even thinking about not doing anything, when I have the opportunity to and others don't. But I also don't want to reduce my quality of life, I want to be able to do all the stuff I could do (and more) before surgery and treatment. I want to run the Thanksgiving 1/2 marathon with my Daddy, I want to torture myself through 12 miles of mud and obstacles in the Tough Mudder in December with my ATF Lakewood crew, I want to run the 26.2 with Donna (but only 13.1 of it!) in February in honor of those I know who have battled breast cancer. I can't even imagine not running the River Run in March with my ATF Jax run club buddies. I want to jump up and grab the pull up bar and be able to do pull ups again. And of course I want to have fun & hang out with friends & family. And then I think that these are silly concerns next to the possibility of facing cancer again. And then I think that there's nothing wrong with wanting to live my life and do all these things. So basically, my brain is a huge mess right now! (more than usual.....)

Bottom line is, there's no way to know for sure which decision is right, so I have to just make the best choice I can, and at this point, I feel like I should take advantage of the opportunities I've been given. I've prayed about it, and although I'm not happy about having to do the radiation and immunotherapy (drug treatment), I feel ok about the decision. I'm becoming a little less freaked out about all of it, at least right now. Talk to me again tomorrow when I'm about to have the first treatment, and later in Oct/early Nov when I'm getting ready for immunotherapy :-)